Drama Queen

written March 30, 2007

So, as much as I've said I hate drama, apparantly, I'm a drama queen. That's me - I admit. I always have something to say about anything - maybe it's good, maybe it's bad - sometimes I don't say it, but I see that the majority of the time I do, it causes a flare. A flare of "Here's drama!" And sometimes, actually, a lot of the time, I allow my tongue to even create drama within myself. Saying I'm not good enough when my God has made me amazing. It causes conflict in me because my spirit knows that its not right but my emotions and my thoughts are all for it.

I would say that my main tongue addiction is rebellion. I've done a lot of things just because someone has told me no. It's almost like I don't believe they really are trying to protect me, when really, the ones who do really care, say no to keep me from destroying my life. Instead of allowing my tongue to start and fuel the fire of destruction in my life, I'm going to start a preventative fire. One that's passionate about Jesus. One that says, "No longer will I allow negativity to control my life because it's already been consumed by Christ. By a holy passion for His ways, growth in Him, and discovering Him."

I'm very good at finding excuses for my own lack of strength too. Whether it straight out be, "I can't do it" or something more along the lines of "It just happened..." I always have a choice. I'm no longer going to focus my energy on failure. Instead, I'm focusing my energy on Him. On purpose. For too long I've been sitting in the mud with my tires spinning. Thinking I've gained all this ground when really all I've done is sink deeper, made a bigger mess of my situation now, and gone absolutely no where close to where I want to be. No more excuses because I can do it. I can follow after Him. Jesus didn't make excuses, He just did it. Then He was called to die on the cross, He didn't chicken out and say, "But it's gonna hurt, I've got other things to do. Don't you know these people need me in their life?" No, He said, "If it be Your will..." He saw a world that needed an example. A world that needed hope and grace. He saw a world that couldn't handle Him compromising and not doing God's will. Now is my time to just do it. To just spend time with Jesus instead of always having to be with people doing something. Now is my time to say, "No, I won't get caught up in what everyone is saying" because next week, it will be something different. Now, it's time for me to just be. To not put myself, and others, in compromising situations and to not surround myself with people who don't respect that. Just do it. Just live for God because I can.

And stop being so freaking jealous. I have gotten myself to this point and because I've made decisions and gotten to the point of not liking me or being comfortable with me, I'm so freakin nit picky about other people. I think sometimes I mistake people's confidence for arrogance. I have been living jealously though. Jealous of people's looks, friendships, positions, personalities. It got to the point where I was changing who I was based on the thought that by acting like them I wouldn't have a reason to be jealous. Doing so just created a bitterness, not only against the reasons, but against myself because I wasn't being real. Luckily, I've come out of that. I believe I'm doing a good job of changing my words, thoughts, and ultimately, my actions.

In searching myself for selfish ambitions, I have come up with nothing. I think I have been at such a deficit in this area that I have no idea what my dreams are or what I want. People keep asking me what I want and telling me to do what I want to do. And my answer is always "It's not about what I want". For so long, I've been doing what everyone else wants me to do. Whether it be something good, like help in church or something not so good, like makeout, I've just been flip-flopping around. I do know that I'm doing this now because I want to. I want to come to the point of abiding in Christ. Of being the woman of God He is calling me to be. Of having dreams, goals, visions for my life. Of being so passionate and crazy in love with Jesus that people question what's different about me. Of getting to the point in knowing what Jesus wants and trusting that what I want is what He wants.

And then, my attitude. The thing that ultimately has gotten me so far lost. But, I'm found and on a path now. Because my attitude has been so negative, my moods have been unpredictable. My reactions have been flamboyant, and most of my decisions have been not so great. Because of things that have happened, I have let my attitude turn sour; tainting my whole perception on life. Instead of seeing God wanting to be near to me, hold me, and capture me, I have seen Him laughing at me. Using me for His comedic entertainment - "Just how far can I stretch her? How much can I throw at her?" The whole time that's been a lie. Sometimes, I think that the majority of my attitude comes from the thought of "God, why didn't you protect me?" I was just a freakin kid. But, I must constantly consume and grab ahold of the truth that God is only good. Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy. He has pretty much consumed my past. But now, things are different. Jesus has come to give me life. Life abundantly. With Him, I'm a conquerer. Yes, Satan meant evil in my life, but God WILL DO GOOD. My attitude is probably going to be the toughest change for me to make because for so long it's been so negative. But, I know I can do it. I can break away from being a drama queen.

No longer will I be someone of no vision. I see myself completely worshipping God. Letting His spirit break me, mold me into the person He has in mind of who I am. I see myself completely confident, comfortable, and caring of who I am. I see myself rejoicing in the freedom of life. I have vision. I no longer can waste my time and energy on petty drama, gossip, rebellion, jealousy, bitterness, or a lousy attitude. I've got to rally my energy and time together and focus it on achieving my vision - a lifelong process.