authentic beauty

written February 6, 2008

So I just finished reading "Authentic Beauty" by Leslie Ludy and let me just say, it rocked my world! It is all about truly experiencing Jesus as your Prince and creating an intimate, fulfilling relationship with Him before venturing out and creating an intimate relationship with an earthly man. I would definitely recommend it to all women! It definitely has increased my desire to truly know Jesus for who He is.

There is such a huge difference between saying you know Jesus and truly experiencing Him and having Him be the One you give up everything to be with. He is the only One worthy of my entire heart, life, soul, and body - all I am and all I have. So many times I open myself up to hurt because I go after a guy's attention, but I'll never be truly content with that! My purpose in this stage of my life is to follow after Jesus - to passionately pursue Him with ALL of my heart.
Galatians 2:20, paraphrased - "I have kicked myself off the throne of my life, so I no longer dictate how I live; but now Christ, living within me, has taken His position on my throne, and He determines how I live. This life I live in this earthly body, I know live in total dependance and trust in Jesus Christ who loved me and sacrificed everything for me."

Towards the end of last year, this desire to know Jesus began to grow in me. I stopped wanting to be a part of certain relationships, stopped desiring to please everyone and became more focused on how I can improve me. How I can improve my relationship with God. I came to the realization that without having a firm foundation with God, I would never be truly successful in any other area of my life. It was time for me to embrace true purity. To not just endure the "Christian rules" of purity, but to fall into the loving arms of God, surrender myself to Him completely, and allow Him to shape me into His likeness.

So I decided to leave everything else - every thought that said I couldn't do it, every negative influence I had allowed into my world - and follow Him, the Man I love. So many times, I've gotten hung up on the thought "He doesn't want me to have ____ because I've done _____." Or God doesn't really mean that about me when He says it because I don't do ____ right. But no matter what I've done or how many mistakes I've made, that doesn't take away His desire for me. After all, His sole purpose in creating me was to have a relationship with me, to fellowship and commune with me. It was time for me to stop being selfish and to allow the amazing reality of His love and the sacrifice of the cross to penetrate every part of my being. He gave everything for me, but what am I giving up for Him?

Once I made the decision to fully give up my inhibitions and allow Him to have my heart how it was, man did things get fun. Not! People I didn't want to come back into my world, made attempts at coming back. Hurts that had just scarred over started getting peeled off and the emotions that came as those scars were peeled off were stronger than when it was a fresh wound. But this was my Prince cleansing and renewing my heart - just as I had asked Him to do.
There were things I didn't want to let go of - somehow the security of knowing that I was once loved and had chosen to love was more appealing than letting go and trusting Him to clean that from my heart. Somehow, the memory of being a victim which gave me the reason to occasionally have that depressing day and allowing myself to get in a funk was more appealing than surrendering my heart to God and allowing Him to make me an overcomer!

But then I read Luke 14:33 - "To be my disciple, to be a set-apart one, costs everything you have. Don't delude yourself into thinking it will only cost a portion of your existence! The very essence of a disciple is one that has completely emptied their inner sanctuary of all other lovers to make room for Me, their heavenly Prince." I realized that all the time, energy, and emotion that I'd been devoting to these things - consciously or not - was time, energy, and emotion that I needed to devote to God. He is the One I need to find security in, He alone is the One I need to worship. He is the One I should identify with!

Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart." I realized that in order to have a heart that I can completely devote to Him, I needed to delight myself in Him. To do whatever it takes to fall head over heels in love with Jesus Christ. I need to clean out the most inner part of me and allow His love to renew me and fulfill me.

I've begun to trust Him more. Believing that He will bring the true friends that I so strongly desire - those who seek Him the same way. Those who lead me closer to Him and who help create that healthy atmosphere in my life. And oh my gosh how amazing is He? I've gotten back in contact with people I haven't seen in over 10 years. People I never thought I would ever see again but who were such a vital part of my life as a child. People who remind me how innocent and carefree life can be when one is sold out to the cause of Christ! People who stopped trying to fit God into their life; but instead, built their life around Christ.

This has spurred me on even stronger! Spurred me on into really building up a mystique - guarding that inner part of my heart, emotions, thoughts, and body; protecting the essence of who I am from the inside out. Becoming a woman with steady, unyielding strength and confidence that can only flow from knowing Him intimately and can only be maintained by protecting my relationship with Him at all costs. To do this, it's time for me to recapture my thoughts and think His thoughts about my life. To fill my mind with so much truth that the lies of Satan have no room to enter and make themself at home. And when he does find his way in, to be consistent about praying for people. Because once my mind is off of me, it's easier to push down the negative thoughts that enter. And the less those negative thoughts occupy my brain, the more I can get to know my Saviour and the more I'll realize that every challenge is an opportunity to grow closer to Him, every triumph is an opportunity to praise Him, and every moment has the privilege of loving and worshiping Him!!

The more I get to know Him, the more I'll trust Him. The more time I spend with Him, the more I will become like Him. The more I understand Him, the more my decisions will reflect Him. The more I seek Him, the more I come to know His plan and purpose for my life. The more I pursue Him, the more I will gain His perspective on any problem I am facing (including voting!). The more I worship Him, the more I become His set-apart princess!

So to get to know Him, I've decided to become more involved with His Word. To think on it and use every resource I can to gain understanding of it. I've decided to re-develop my love for journaling, to write my prayers as personal letters to Jesus. And also, to seek out example who have travelled this path before me. Whether it be living examples through mentors or historic examples through Christian biographies, knowing what other's have accomplished and overcame will only fuel the fire of "I can do this!"

"My Prince, I thank You for creating me for such a time as this. I thank You for opening my eyes to see how much better my life can be with You as the foundation. My desire is to trust You. You know better than anyone that I have issues with this. But I've read in Your Word that You will never leave me nor forsake me. That You are the same yesterday, today, and forever. Your promise to me is one of prosperity, not of harm, but of a future and a hope! So now, Father, I'm placing my trust in You. I am choosing to love You with fuller abandon than I ever have before. Give me the strength to consciously recognize the things that are hindering my relationship with You. I know that when I run to You, I can hide in You. You will protect me. I thank You for never leaving me. I thank You for loving me so much that You'll never give up on me. I thank You for loving me and accepting me even with all the stupid choices I've made in the past. You are so amazing, words can't even describe how greatful I am for this opportunity to know You and to be known by You. I love You and I can't wait to know more about You!"