Waiting or Negating the Promises of God

written June 20, 2007

Church, Sunday night, was amazing. Lately, I've had a rough time attending church because of the events of recent weeks in my life. It's been a real struggle to break through the barrier of feeling shunned by God especially when I'm getting it from my so-called "friends". But after a conversation with someone a few weeks ago, I made the decision that I was going to start trying, even if I didn't feel like it, to tear down that wall and push through the bitterness, resentment, and grudges that I was feeling. So, I went to church that evening (last Wednesday actually) and the worship songs were all about God's unconditional love and grace. It was so nice to worship again. Then, Sunday morning, Alternative led worship with the new song "Hosanna" (you can check out the bridge of it in my headline).

At first I didn't like this song...but then, Sunday night, I really got the revelation of how great my God is. Zac taught an awesome message on "Waiting or Negating the Promises of God" and it really hit home with a lot of areas in my life. At the end of the service they had an altar call for people who just needed some strength in knowing God was there. So, I went forward and they started singing "Hosanna" again. And the bridge, "Heal my heart and make it clean; Open up my eyes to the things unseen; Show me how to love like you have loved me; Break my heart for what breaks yours; Everything I am for your kingdom's cause; As I walk from earth into eternity" really became my hearts cry.

For a few weeks now I've had a hard time attending services because through some past choices that I've made it seems like I've lost some friends. And I hear grace and mercy taught and how the church doesn't care where you've been but just where you're going and I grew up hearing that we are supposed to be like Jesus and my thought is if Jesus is gracious and merciful and future focused then "church" people should be too. And then I see how people straight up just are judging and so "rear mirror" focused; almost like the "sin choices" that I made is going to rub off on them or something and it all just didn't make sense to me. But through this song and a prayer that Jeremy prayed over me, I came to realize that God does love me and He is there for me. All I have to do is ask. And He wants me to ask. He is completely looking at my future; not limiting me because of my past choices or my present circumstances but saying, "Come to Me and I'll get you where you need to go. I'll be your security and your strength. I'll be your friend."

So I came to the conclusion that by not wanting to go to church and giving in to my "feelings" of not wanting to be involved, that I was being just like the people who were my "friends". I was limiting myself and building a wall with myself because I wasn't allowing God's grace and mercy to overflow in my life. Pretty much I wasn't forgiving myself. So, that night I let it all go. I let my bitterness and the grudges towards people go. I let a big chunk of the wall between God and I go, and I really just allowed Him to fill me again. Crying out "Hosanna" (which in Hebrew is an exclamation of praise saying "Save Me") I abandoned myself before Him. And this week has been amazing. I've met some really great people who I know are going to become influential in my life and I've really openned myself up to just freely praising Him again.

And yes, it's been a daily choice to be positive and I'm still having to make myself choose to forgive certain people, but it's all worth it. It's worth feeling somewhat peaceful again and openning myself up to new friendships and opportunities.

So don't let mistakes that you've made rule your life. Dictate your own path with God's purposes and His thoughts towards you, "I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." (Jeremiah 29:11, message) Because He is worth it, you are worth it.